In life, we are all seeking unconditional love. The reason we want love on unconditional terms is because it doesn’t feel good to be loved with conditions or to live according to a manual someone else has written for us. We want to be loved and accepted for the people we are today.

Perhaps you have a family member whose love feels conditional – a parent who thinks they know the perfect career or partner for you, an extended family member who scolds you for not visiting more often or a spouse that expects presents and flowers. We all know what this feels like and it doesn’t feel good.

We shy away from people who are pushy in this way and gravitate more towards those that love us unconditionally. Being around the second group of people is fun. We want to give them gifts and shower them back with love. We see all that is wonderful and good about them, and are unaffected by their flaws.

We want everyone to love us this way, but we can’t control that. We can, however, treat ourselves the way we’d like others to treat us and show them the way. So, it’s important to ask – is your love for yourself unconditional?

Does it depend on if you go to the gym? Eat nutritious food? Look a certain way? Act with the patience of a saint? Volunteer? Do something so called worthwhile with your day? Is it based on being a good friend, family member or worker?

None of these things are bad in and of themselves. In fact, many of us set these types of aspirations and it’s good to have goals. However, are we making ourselves unworthy if we don’t do these things? Are we denying ourselves our own love because we’ve made it conditional?

I’d venture to say we are. There may be moments of unconditional self-love, but they are probably surrounded by many moments of conditional love. You can tell the difference between the two because you exude happiness in the former state. You fill yourself up with so much love that your cup runneth over and into the world.

When we do not, we are in an endless cycle of trying to extract love from things around us – relationships, food, objects, activities – but it’s never enough to fill the void of unconditional love. As a result, we become needy in relationships, eat too much, shop too much and so on.

So what’s the goal here? It’s to love ourselves no matter what we do. Surprisingly, if we’re successful at this, it doesn’t matter if others are incapable of unconditional love because our quota for it is being met.

It’s worth noting that this is different than not taking responsibility for your actions. We are always responsible for what we think, feel, say and do. Just know that you can be responsible and love yourself.

Now we get to the million-dollar question. How do we do this?

Look at how you are with someone or something you love unconditionally and mirror those thoughts, feelings and actions towards yourself.

I’ll share an example from my life. I have a friend I love unconditionally and she is the same way with me. This is what I think and feel about her:

• I think she’s brilliant, kindhearted and beautiful. No matter what she does or how she looks, I see her inner and outer beauty.
• I think she is capable of putting her mind to anything she wants to do in life and achieving success. I believe in her that much.
• I think she deserves the very best in life.
• I am surprised if someone doesn’t love her as much as I do. How could you miss her awesomeness? That means I never question her worthiness. It’s just not up for debate, and it’s certainly not something I’d leave up to another to decide.
• I know she has flaws but I see that as part of her humanity and have figured out how to see the humor in them from a place of love.
  
• I know she’s doing her best in any given moment. I forgive her easily on the rare occasion I am upset with her. 

Now the question is do I think, feel and act like this with myself?  Do I think I am amazing, know I’m always trying my best and forgive myself easily? Do I find humor in my flaws and see them as a part of the human experience?

If not, that’s the relationship to work on first and trust that every relationship in our life will improve as we work on this one. Also, life will become more and more fun as we do.

Ready to do this?  I am too 🙂